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How to say no without offending someone…

Wednesday, August 24th, 2016

We often have different viewpoints when someone suddenly says ‘no’ to us and as a result we might label them as selfish, arrogant or in some cases bold. On the opposite side, some cultures find it hard to say ‘yes’ as this can come across as offensive. For example when you are a guest and they ask you whether you want some ‘tea’ and you reply with a ‘yes’, this may come across as offensive in some cultures believe it or not.

Saying no takes some skill

Saying no takes some skill

Depending on what kind of relationships you are in, you may feel perfectly within your rights to ask your spouse to buy a gallon of milk on his way back after work. Receiving a ‘no’ response might elevate your emotions and lead to a fight. Again there are good and bad responses to this and is based on your perception of the event. For example, you might just curse your spouse and shout at him for thinking of giving that kind of response. You may feel ‘that was an odd reply, maybe you suddenly feel empathetic and ask ‘really, any reason’. Equally, the person who says ‘no’ can start off by giving good reasons first on why he should say ‘no’. For example, he could start with ‘I’m afraid I will be working late, you would need to pick it up or one of the kids can pick it up’.

The example above was a simple one but it shows how responses from both parties can be worded to avoid miscommunication or heated arguments. It is one of the reasons and and an often used tactic to test and provocate others by people who are skilled in this. Dare I say, it has been used effectively by the male gender to have more control over the opposite sex. It is always wise to listen and assimilate what is said to you before you respond. However, one is unable to stay in this mode of thinking when both parties known to each other are spontaneously engaged in a conversation. If you do most of the talking, you are most likely to be more vulnerable to criticisms as the person who says less.

There is the question of assertiveness that comes into play when saying no partly because you have been a yes person most of the time. Trying to be ‘nice’ and saying yes as opposed to a ‘no’ all the time labels you in the weak category by other people. In order to please others and forgo self-interest the person ends up agreeing to what others are saying. What has to be understood is that a ‘no’ is just an important part of the conversation and relationship as saying a ‘yes’ and is healthy. However, the way we say those are important.

Is there a singular solution to handling yourself in the best manner possible? Unfortunately, we humans are not alike, with some having much tolerance and becoming labeled as a ‘door mat’ whilst others with no patience are considered brash and selfish. Then it stands to reason that the middle ground is the best place to be.

Our machine algorithms developed by the ThinkTank Labs of Jumpdates has sifted through thousands of messages to find the word ‘no. We have learned some interesting tactics that members use to convey a ‘no’ to the other person. Stay tuned for more information on our findings.

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How to tell someone’s personality by the way they drive

Friday, August 19th, 2016

There is a lot to be said of determining personality traits by the actions and behavior of people and nothing can be more true by observing the way they drive.
Here are a few (and sometimes amusing) ways to sum up people’s personalities

Driving and Personality

Driving and Personality

1. The impatient and restless driver
Almost all of these drivers can be seen being provocated at the slightest hint of a traffic jam or someone who cut’s in, slow or appears to be causing traffic jams. Unfortunately, these kinds of people always seem to be in a hurry and have no time for others.

2. The over-cautious driver
These people like to stay to themselves and rarely say much during a conversation and their driving is a reflection of that. Since they like solitude, going out to the open road seems a terrifying experience for them since they have no choice but to wrestle with their external surroundings. They take extra precaution to stay zealously close to what is in front of their nose as opposed to the whole environment. Their driving is unappreciated by other passengers.

3. The cool driver
You can imagine what type of personality that this driver possesses. These people are generally young and have little experience on the road. Experienced drivers will know how important it is to drive safely no matter what the personality. They are almost always not the ones that you would go into the car with since you will likely be holding tightly to your seats and giving sighs of relief from hairline misses with other cars. As you can guess, these people are probably the talkative types and loves to impress especially their opposite sex.

4. The analytical driver
These personalities are likely to belong to more mature people and often the one that you find the most comfortable being a passenger. They are not the talk of the town or go out to impress, they are very grounded, maybe boring but always grounded and gives good advice.

In the same way that you can extract personality traits through people’s driving there are other behavior characteristics that you can derive from many other activities. It’s usually a result of the fact that one cannot ‘fake’ their actions or behavior over a particular area of expertise. Take for example the people’s differences when it comes to how they handle their crockware after eating. For example, do they immediately wash up or do they leave it on the side. Do they move the other crockery out of the way without washing to do their own. There is a lot to appreciate in those types of behavior alone.

Next time when you go out on a date, try to observe their behavior in their driving, eating or doing some kind of activity, it can reveal interesting things about the person you are dating.

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Understanding life partner choices - the cultural differences of East and West

Wednesday, August 17th, 2016

One can find tons of information related to the subject of finding the ideal partner. In fact, you will find many articles written about this subject on this Jumpdates blog. With the divorce rate on the rise and more people choose not to marry, these are obviously not encouraging news for anyone who want to settle down.

Married couples - east and west

Married couples - east and west

The problem stems from our lack of appreciating the complexities and nuances of personalities that make up an individual. Of course when we go dating with the person, we generally don’t always see the negative side of things as both are trying to impress. This is one of the reasons why the West generally do not understand how the East can marry someone without having met them as the so called ‘arranged marriages’. The Jumpdates ThinkTank Labs have conducted some research on this subject and have come across some insightful trends and patterns that can explain some of these explicable differences.

Although we understand the nature of ‘arranged marriages’ and some may be critical about it’s practice but it is safe to say that the length of marriage would be determining factors for the match.
On the face of things it looks like the East has an upper hand on the longevity of the marriage over their Western counterparts. One should ask why this would be the case.

There are marked differing ideologies related to marriage when we compare the West and the East. Firstly, the communion of marriage between two persons in the East have a wider encompassing reach amongst members of the families. That is to say, the extended families do not move away once the marriage has taken place, in fact, they become an integral part of the future of the coupole. On the opposite side, the Western values are different where a sense of ‘space and independence’ is granted to the couple by families even though they will be still part of their lives. There are advantages and disadvantages to both of these differing family ideals and we will only touch on a few.

When couples of the East generally have trouble adjusting and coping, they can almost always turn to their family members for support. Also, in the Eastern culture, families tend to live together in a bigger household, if not, then not very far from where the couple would live. The advantage of this setup is that couples who are green in the understanding of marriage and cooperation will get a good dose of wisdom, daily checks to make their marriage successful.

The West as we know have a very different viewpoint of how marriages work and the focus is always on the couples to work things out without much outside help. As such the tensions can be high between the couple and without any obvious close support the marriage can deteriorate. Generally marriages in the West happen at later ages unless families have been an integral part of both the couples. It is difficult to say which is better than the other since they both garner human qualities which the other party would not necessarily possess. For example, the couples from the West can be more self-reliant, independent, strong and more driven to pursue their own dreams. Couples from the East may have a cooperative ability to solve problems and can be less self-preserving and look to a wider group for progress.

You the readers can decide what values can be picked from the two different cultures. Maybe a balance of the two can provide a more healthy and a longer lasting relationship.

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Detecting arrogance - Jumpdates ThinkTank Labs

Monday, August 15th, 2016

The subject of arrogance is extremely wrought with uncertainty since many of us can associate to some extent to the qualities of arrogance due to our egotistical nature. We at Jumpdates ThinkTank Labs have fed conversations on this topic through our unique machine language algorithms and came up with some insights.

Arrogance means different to different people

Arrogance means different to different people

To categorize as someone being arrogant is in a way putting yourself in their shoes and making assumptions and deductions that you somehow have a superior handle on arrogance than they have. If you say, you spotted arrogance, does this mean that the other person is not aware of his/her arrogant behavior. Maybe you are right, because you sympathize with the notions of arrogance and for you to characterize that quality in others means you have more experience in the real world and is in a better position to make that statement. Are you really?

People’s definition of arrogance will differ from one person to another. Suppose you asked or posed that question to the person who you are implying is arrogant. For example a direct question ‘Are you arrogant or do you have arrogant traits’. What do you think the most likely responses would be? Maybe you will get a very diplomatic response or maybe you will get back anger and resentment. Who is to say that one is right and the other is not.

You just need to search the internet for thousands of articles posted on this subject and if you chose to understand the topic, then you are probably in the small percentage who cares as much. However, the fact that people don’t feel the necessity of understanding every topic under the sun, or taking an inherent interest does not imply that they have shortcomings in those particular topics. Maybe through their experience they are able to spot people with certain characteristics than the next person who has gone through many books on psychology.

It has been said that any shortcomings in human beings is a product of the person not being aware of those shortcomings. So, you could say that someone who is arrogant will not be able to find true definition of the meaning and thus try to correct themselves. This begs the question of how much should you be yourself in group or ‘toe the line’ with respect to others in terms of dignity, respect, society etc as a whole.

It has also been said that it takes one to know one. Maybe the arrogant person already knows his shortcomings and have leveraged it to his advantage to overpower and control others around him. After all ‘arrogance’ with all its negative connotations has perceived qualities that others may be craving for. For example, the person who lacks confidence. You don’t need to look too far for those kinds of people, we have one running for the White House and has millions of supporters.

Many topics on this subject advises people to steer away from these kinds of people. But the argument could be, how can you deal with these people effectively if you had no choice but to work with them for whatever reason. Maybe you are being a coward from running away from those people and not be able to deal with them. Maybe you are doing yourself injustice in mixing with more ‘normal’ people around you and incubating yourself from potentially good relationships with other people. You know what they say ‘birds of a feather, stick together’!

The point being made is that when it comes to ‘arrogance’, there are no black and white decisions that you can make and can label someone uniquely in this category. Like I was saying earlier, some people can ‘show-off’ to a potential mate that they are interested in and anyone else peering in may find this person ‘extremely arrogant’. We all have egos and some to a lower extent and others to a higher extent. We all have to live together and make choices and maybe for a particular group of people they have worked out their differences and get by. Maybe for those people who are struggling with their own internal issues find themselves out of tune with the rest of society. Who knows? But one of the highest esteemed human trait that can be found in anyone, is the ability to self-reflect and see it objectively from another’s point of view.

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Lessons learned - Squabbles between couples are a good thing

Wednesday, August 10th, 2016

Squabbles between couples are a good thing - image courtesy

Squabbles between couples are a good thing - image courtesy

It is a well known fact that some of the gender differences are known to scientists and psychologists alike. One of these differences lies in how a man or a woman use their cognitive abilities that they are inherently born with and apply it to their daily lives. Women are considered more instinctual thinkers and think of details whereas men are more pragmatic in the way they reach their conclusions. So who is right and who is wrong. It would be a complete waste of time and energy to deduce one gender is greater in some respects than man. However, we cannot argue the fact that this is definitely a man’s world. ‘It would be nothing without a woman or a girl’, the lyrics of the famous artist and singer James Brown, ‘It’s a Man’s, Man’s Man’s World’.

To argue over the instinctual nature of women and the logical sense of men would be futile in exercise and like comparing apples and oranges. The right approach to these differences is to understand how these differences can work together to bring about something greater than by itself. The gnawing and thrashing of couple squabbles is in actual fact a good thing. This usually arrives from polarized views in their thinking ie. the instinctual versus the logic. What many people don’t realize that each time you arrive at an agreement from those squabbles there is a greater awareness and understanding of cooperation between couples. This should be a goal and known fact from the social interaction of couples. However, there is a BIG catch for this to work smoohtly and effectively. If one feels defeated and bitter over an argument, the couple’s relationship may take a path for the worse. What can possibly be good from one party having been defeated over their arguments by a decisive win by the other party. All couples should take note. It is a marriage of co-operation and both have to give and take without harboring ill feelings between each other.

Unfortunately, in the ideal world we are not made to act or react in such a way depending of course on the topic of arguments or discussion. Our opinions and arguments stem from the way we have been brought up and the way we shape our personalities from our internalized experiences. But the truth remains that we have some qualities and values that we can always aim for in order to make ourselves better than what we are. These traits have been passed through generation after generation and they can come in any shape or form ie. cultural, religious, spiritual, hardship etc. But there are common threads of human qualities that we put head and shoulders above the rest. These include sincerity, generosity, kindness, integrity amongst others. If we are true to those values than I will make a bold a statement that the world would be cured of 99% of the problems we see facing today.

So the lesson learned is that the next time you come out of an argument, make sure you have the empathy in check so that both individuals have gained something positive out of the argument.

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